Aselin

Each spring a flock of fruit flies move in to my kitchen. Likely this has to do with the fact that we have literally thousands of oranges that pass through on their way to the juicer. Since science class taught me that the fruit fly has a very short life span, I’m pretty sure they aren’t the same ones each year. However the same class taught me they also have an extremely short reproductive cycle so the one or two I start with quickly turn into a swarm that would make even Alfred Hitchcock uneasy.

Like the hiccup cure, there is a lengthy list of suggestions on how to rid your home of the noxious pests.

There is the “zip lock” trap - put a piece of overripe fruit in a zip lock bag leaving only a small part of the bag unsealed. Once the bag is full of flies, crush them with your finger. I’m not sure why I have to crush them, can’t I just zip and discard? This way I’m not directly responsible for their demise. They made a bad choice entering the small plastic enclosure and must bear the consequences.

The “funnel trap” instructions start with “make a paper funnel.” Have you ever tried to make a paper funnel? I’ve tried a couple of times, usually trying to fill a salt shaker or other small-holed spice container. Using the crooked ‘overlap and twist’ technique I’ve constructed a couple of good looking funnels. Unfortunately all of these design marvels have come apart during use leaving my workspace and forearms covered with substances like cayenne pepper. At this point I usually rub my eyes, become blinded and curse the paper funnel.

The trap I’ve been using is a complete enigma to me. I was taught that one catches more flies with honey than with vinegar. Yet the trap that’s been most effective is the bowl filled with cider vinegar, covered with plastic wrap. Poking a few holes on the top allows the flies to get in. A small amount of oil floating on the vinegar traps the flies. Soon I have a bowl full of fly carcasses.

Is carcasses a word? Spell check isn’t alerting me, but I would have thought it was carcai. Is it corpses? Corpi?

Well, at any rate, soon I had a bowl full of dead flies. We had company for dinner last night - yes during the ‘food storage challenge’. As I was preparing for their arrival I had to get rid of my bowl. Nothing says disgusting like a carcai bowl. Rinsing the evidence down the drain I thought my secret was safe.

Then, as we were sitting across the table from each other, enjoying our meal, my guests start swatting at the air. Lovely. At first I was wondering what sort of pestilence was accosting them until I looked down at my fork. A tiny fruit fly was staring up at me, shaking it’s little fruit fly fist. As I leaned in I distinctly heard his tiny fruit fly voice. He had a Spanish accent like Inigo Montoya (Princess Bride.) “You will never be rid of us! My family avows to avenge our forefathers.” He keeled over and died, having a short life span and all. His children greeted me at the sink this morning where I constructed another vinegar trap.

Apparently some adages are not accurate. You do catch more fruit flies with vinegar.