Aselin

Years ago when I was first married hubby and I were visiting the in-laws at their home on Loch Ness Drive. Hubby waited a long time to get married, and at our wedding dinner his father stood up and said “We think Aselin’s great and all, but we’re just glad he’s not gay.”

Clearly the bar was set very high for me.

During this visit there was a lot of extended family sharing the finite space. I, being the honored guest, was extended special privileges. As nine of us, and what felt like 900 kids, were readying ourselves for the day, bathroom facilities were scarce so my mother-in-law Ann, offered me her bathroom to shower and dress. This way I would be away from all the other riff raff. I gladly accepted the offer, and gathered my toiletries heading off to my seclusion in the master suite.

I was having a glorious shower, singing show tunes to myself when I hear my father-in-law’s gruff voice from way down the hall.

“Ann!” He boomed.

“She’s not in here!” I yelled back.

Now, my father-in-law has no interest in messing with any type of fandangled hearing enhancement technology. This does not mean he does not need fandangled hearing enhancement. He really, really does. I’ve nominated him as the poster child of needy hearing enhancement. Kind of like those skinny, sullen African kids you see on posters that beg for your help. I’ve spent years begging for someone to help him.

So imagine my dismay when I hear, louder and closer another “AAANNN!”

Of course, I louder, and with great gusto yell “She’s not in heeeeeeerrrrreeee!”

Only to be met with the same “AAAANNNN!”

At this point I’m starting to panic. It’s feeling like a horror movie with the repetitive screeching string music as danger advances closer and closer.

I take a different tactic, “It’s ASELINNNNNN!!!” I scream, straining my vocal cords.

His next bellow is now inside the bathroom, right next to the shower “ANN!”

At this point I’ve come completely unglued. I’ve backed myself into the corner of the shower, trying desperately to shield myself with a shampoo bottle and a washcloth. The panic has tightened my vocal cords and I’m crouched in an awkward naked squat as I squeak out with everything I’ve got “It’s Aselin!”

Suddenly not only does he holler my death blow of “ANN!” but the shower door flies open.

Every humiliated cell in my body wishes I were dead. Attempting to cover all of what used to be my private parts I make the squeamish attempt to look up, hoping that not only is the guy deaf, but that he had also suddenly been struck blind.

I whimper a final “It’s Aselin” as I realize that the jacka** standing before me is not my father in law. Rather it’s his soon to be dead spawn - my husband.

Sadly, sixteen years later I’ve still yet to adequately repay the prank. But I do revel in the fact that he hasn’t slept one good night since then - he’s been looking over his shoulder.