Coming home from California I was confronted with a terrible reality. There are a large number of women who shouldn’t be let out in public. Ever. I’m the first to extol the need for society to reward excellence, even competence, but sisters, some of you are giving the rest of us a bad name.
Going through airport security I, along with everyone else, gawked at the woman stuffed into her black spandex pants being “wanded.” Now some of you will applaud because she was fashion savvy enough not to have a panty line, but she was holding up security because her thong, visible above her waistband, was studded with metal. When your backside looks like a couple of spit stained old pillows from your great aunt Sally’s house stuffed into a hefty garbage sack there should be a rule that you are not allowed to buy spandex - or thongs.
Then there was the woman across the security table from me. We smiled at each other as we waited for our purses, shoes and laptops to come through x-ray. I was worried what was taking so long was the box of foil wrapped Ding Dongs in my satchel being mistaken for an explosive device. I have to hand it to the highly trained security folk because they didn’t even stop me and I’m sure the filling in a Ding Dong is explosive under the right circumstances, especially after it's been x-rayed.
No, what was taking so long is the woman across from me had put her purse in the plastic bin in such a way that the straps caught as it went through the x-ray machine, dumping the contents on the floor, the machine and jamming in between the rollers. She asked me if I thought it was safe for her to reach inside the end of the x-ray machine to collect the feminine hygiene products rolling futilely at the end of the conveyor. I shrugged and pretended I had never made eye contact with the woman.
Let’s pull it together ladies. Now, I have to go pick up my van from the body shop. The large rock I backed over must have been put there by a man.
Evidence
Hey Lady!
Not even a backward glance??You meanie! I have had the delight of the live, rolling white mouse escape from my bag at inopportune times and had to collect them from parking lots, shop check out lines and even a Doctors office..How? I hear you ask,is this woman incapable of closing her purse??? the answer should be brief..but is not. I usually even after 25+ years of the monthly excitement, manage to forget to bring the 'mice' along and invariably have to dash back to the house to collect a handfull,to last the next several days and unceremoniously chuck them into the suitcase that serves as, bag, carry all for waifs and strays that my kids find, dumping ground for all unknown papers, portable office and general vending machine for all, including limited medical pharmaceutical dispenser! In short.....shoulder killer, spine beater and back cracker of a bag. Whilst juggling the phone, answering homework questions and planning the next five activities as I unlock the car or chech out at the various stores.. it has been known to slither its way off my aching shoulder and dump everything including the 'mice' that need no encouraging to roll out wherever! and infront of whoever is around. Should this happen, a female who can understand the frustration of the moment rather than a child who asks 'what's this??' 'can I open this?' or just plays with them, or a man who thinks they will act like cryptonite if touched, to help would be great.
Mice should be restrained at all times, but should a break out occur, some quick hands and understanding nods are a small price to contribute towards saving someones already messed up day!!
The thong......Totally agree!
Claire
Anonymous
March 4, 2009 at 8:48 AM
Hysterical! The image of studded thong underware peeking from the waist of dimpled pillows is just too evocative. I would have told the woman to go ahead and put her hand in the x-ray machine......who knows?....it may even be safe.
Anonymous
March 4, 2009 at 8:44 PM