Aselin

We recently attended the Phoenix Science Center as a family. I love that place, and was thoroughly enjoying a tutorial in behavioral science when a giant mouth breather of a woman came and stood right behind me. Literally. She was looking over my shoulder, breathing on my neck, slurping some sort of beverage. I tried to squirm, and writhe away but she actually leaned in, pressing her unwieldy breasts against my back. I thought it was some sort of science center candid camera demonstration. There was plenty of other space, open chairs, but she wanted to be near me. I felt as though I couldn’t breathe, and while the interchange lasted about 4 seconds, I am scarred for life.

I love my personal space, I don’t understand why others don’t cherish and protect theirs as well. The reality is, I don’t much like you if you want to be too near me. If you’re too close I can’t think. You take necessary oxygen away from me, and my brain starts to shut down. I think some of my propensity comes from being raised in the American West. While I have not actually lived on the open range, it was taught so much in schools that I thought everyone from Southern California was a cowhand of sorts. Forget that my family raised sheep, and you can’t ride a sheep, I still believed it qualified me as a rancher. Don’t mention that we were actually rednecks that kept sheep because we were too lazy to mow and fertilize the lawn.

Prior to our current dog we got a starter pet - the ones you can get for $10 at Petsmart and have a lifespan slightly longer than my attention span. One day my daughter had a friend over who talked her into believing that the new hamster would love a bath. The nitwit first graders took the plastic habitrail to the bathtub and turned on the shower. I can’t imagine the sound the hammering spray of water deafened the poor rodent with, but I heard its screams from down the hall. Who knew a hamster could scream? But I knew that sound. I make it when people want to hug me.

I understand this hugging thing is a show of affection, but for the record I really would prefer cookies or movie tickets.

I have a friend who lets anyone who wants to share her drinks. She even lets my children drink from her cup. My children are disgusting. I have seen the floaters in their respective cups and water bottles. I know how little gusto they put into their weekly tooth brushing session. For me, this sharing of beverages is a whole new level of violating personal space. My children know, even if it is 145 degrees, they officially have been diagnosed with heat stroke and dehydration and I have the only glass of water within 58 miles, they may not drink from my cup. I love them and all, but eeew. In my defense, I have given my cup to them on condition they not even try to return it, which is why none of them are dead and CPS hasn’t been called in.

Trying to evolve I have admitted it is better to hug you people than try and give a hamster a bath. Just know, they both induce similar sounds.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFLsZ-KN5_s&NR=1