Aselin

I was recently hit by a virulent plague. Likely my exposure to this uber toxin came while volunteering at my kids school. It’s a cesspool of bacteria. I honestly don’t know how the brave teachers survive day in and day out in the trenches.

I help kids with concepts they are struggling with. Obviously we need to work on basic hygiene along with telling time. Last week a parade of begrimed urchins sat one by one at my table. One mucus encrusted kid wanted to borrow my pencil. Another one hacked at me hard enough I think part of his spleen came up. One kid had a mysterious rash that he insisted “didn’t itch anymore.” I have long held the opinion that all kids are gross, especially my own, but this episode pushed me to my limit.

After departing the campus I doused my entire body in hand sanitizer, scrubbing with clorox wipes. I used a bottle brush swathed in dishwashing detergent to clean my throat. All to no avail. The scourge had already defiled me. There was no antidote.

Within days I was displaying symptoms. Unfortunately I can’t get anyone to pay attention to me. On the verge of death, while I was moaning at the dinner table my youngest says to everyone, mom sounds like she really likes her dinner. While I was coughing incessantly my husband asks me to turn up the TV so he can hear. It didn’t matter that I was driving the carpool looking like a zombie. While the teenage passengers notice every detail of each other’s outfits they look beyond my uncharacteristic mumu and toilet paper hanging out of my nose. Only the parking lot attendant gave me a second look.

This is why I have a dog, he notices me. He brings me little get-well gifts like half chewed stuffed animals, soggy rawhide treats and dirty socks. Gets nose to nose with me as I lay passed out in bed and belches in my face to confirm I’m alive. When I lay on the bathroom floor puking my guts out...who was there? The dog. Granted, he didn’t hold my hair back but there is something to be said for a soul who can’t be grossed out.

Fear not! I will survive. Soon to re-enter the land of the living, or at least the land of the recently showered. And my family might even notice...