Where the hampster wheel always turns

About Me

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Middle aged underweight high school graduate
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"It is not advisable James to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener." - Francisco d'Anconia, Atlas Shrugged
"The soundest way to raise revenues in the long run is to cut taxes now." - John F. Kennedy
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I have always had a disconnect between the mental vision I have of myself and reality. In my head, I believe I'm a floating twirling suburban Disney princess skipping through life with my feet barely touching the ground. The reality is much different.

Years ago, circumstances unfolded that found me as a contestant in a local beauty pageant. (DO NOT LAUGH!) During rehearsals for the show I thought I was a carbon copy of Miss America herself as we went through the dance routines, different line up patterns and the evening gown parade. After a particularly long practice, the choreographer excused the troupe and then hissed "Except YOU!" Pointing at me. Immediately my fingertips went to my chest as my eyebrows raised and I looked over my shoulder. "Me?" I mouthed. He didn't flinch, just remained pointing a vengeful bony finger at me - now the only person left in the room.

He proceeded to express outrage that I was wrecking his whole show. That if I didn't learn how to keep up, particularly how to walk, then he would have to design a back row. A back row of one.

So I practiced, learned, practiced, had nightmares, practiced until finally, a week or so later, he deemed me "Proficient. Not good, proficient." Hey, I can live with proficient.

The night of the show I did great. I've seen the video, I didn't stand out at all. I was in my spot, I was on beat, I did just great. Until the evening gown portion.

Linked arm in arm (thank goodness) with the military escort who would set me adrift in my floating cloud of princessness we ascended the four steps to mount the stage. Smiling out at the audience, like any good princess, I mentally coached myself. "Step, and glide....step and glide... I was fine until the last step when it went something more like, "Step and grunt, and tip into military guy and stumble onto the stage trailing the tulle petticoat your last step had ripped from the inside of your gown."

It was an entrance worthy of a "Ta daaaaaa". I actually saw the choreographer in the back with his head in his hands.

Fast forward to last week. I'm still mentally coaching myself as I try and glide through my day. Unloading groceries from my car I have this whole mental dialogue going on about how many bags I can carry, how strong I am how graceful.... OOOF!

Holding umpteen full grocery bags my feet fly out from underneath me, I sail up into the air and land with a resounding thud squarely on my back. If this wasn't insult enough, it knocked the wind out of me so badly I was unable to respond to the glass pickle jar soaring in slow motion through the air. Soaring, soaring, soaring, dropping, dropping, and fortunately missing me just to the left where it hit the ground shattering in a kabillion shards of glass and pickle.

Laying completely incapacitated in a pool of kosher dill shame, it took me a good fifteen minutes to gather the strength to extricate myself from the pile of groceries, glass and gherkins. Leaving the mess, I crawled into the house. Greeted by the dog who got one whiff of me and ran in the other direction.

It just takes a special kind of grace to fall with style like that.

7 responses to "Twinkletoes"

  1. You should have seen me yesterday as I hopped, slid, stumbled down my sidewalk to the mailbox. Luckily I did manage to stay upright the whole time, but just barely.

    bdrain

  2. dills are better than gherkins, which was it?

    Anonymous

  3. Dills are better than gherkins, but there is a shortage of pickle vocabulary so I included them as well. The incident involved a large refrigerated bottle of dills.

    Aselin

  4. I have that same grace - I just can't write about it well like you - you make me laugh

    Becky

  5. i have a similar story of where i'm trying to grab our youngest (alomst 2) for family prayer and i'm tired and cranky and trying to chase him around the table and (because i'm such a good housewife) the floors were really slick and just as i rounded the corner slipped and fell first on my elbow, then hip/shoulder. i layed there listening to brad stifle his laughter, then thought should change my attitude and asked him, please tell me that looked great!

    holley family

  6. You failed to mention that you won the contest.

    Anonymous

  7. This is when I generally enlist the phrase, "How can I get up from this and still look cool."

    Cimblog (tm)

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