Aselin

Recently I've had the opportunity to apply for a job. I'm a really good employee. The problem is, my main employer for sixteen years has been my family, and many of the skills I've mastered don't automatically translate into the traditional workplace. But make no mistake, these skills still have value.

For instance, I can tell with 99.6% accuracy if someone is going to barf. How many Administrative Assistants have that skill? I can distinguish between a Krispy Kreme and fruit snacks induced stomach ache, food poisoning and multiple strains of influenza. I don't even need to see the person, I just need to hear their voice and can immediately triage the situation.

Also unique to my past experience, I have amazing multiple species mind-control skills. Whether applied to juvenile delinquents trying to avoid spinach consumption or canine aversion to bathing - one look, one particular look from me and my subjects haste to compliance. I defy you to show me an office manager with those powers.

I have developed a tremendous ability to operate at a high level despite my sleep pattern the night before. Look at all those single young things getting jobs right and left. They stay out late, imbibing who knows what and show up to work the next morning in varied states of consciousness. Me, since the birth of Child #1 I've yet to have a good night sleep. From the demands of infancy to the 4:35 a.m. 'butt dial' calls (this happened yesterday - kid was home but phone was in their pocket when they rolled over and redialed) I don't know the meaning of 8hrs sleep. This has done nothing to diminish my high levels of functioning, rather it has conditioned me to be a maintain acute focus rivaling any cyborg.

What employer wouldn't want that?

The plight of the American Housewife re-entering the workforce has been well chronicled. I'm not sure if I will actually take the plunge, but make no mistake. An employer would be hard pressed to find someone with more tenacity, patience, focus, multi-tasking skills than me.

Excuse me, the dryer cycle is complete...