Aselin

My kids are amazing athletes. They can duck and dodge just about anything I throw at them. It makes for a series of disappointing attempts at wrangling them on my part.

This year two are playing soccer and one is swimming. The problem with both of these sports is the spectators have to sit outside in the sun during daylight hours in Arizona. As previously chronicled, I have spectator issues. I have not been ejected from the field...yet, but hubby has given me the stink eye and restrained me on more than one occasion. This year, soccer parents have to initial six times and sign a one page pledge regarding their behavior. This may have been instituted because of my problems watching my kids play basketball.

This week while watching Unnamed Child #3's soccer game I could feel the veins in my neck bulging as the entire team swarmed the ball leaving the field unprotected and the opposing team free to score. Again, and again, and.... again. It's not so much the score that bugs me, it's the poor play. I was relatively calm ushering said child off the field at the first water break. It was two in the afternoon and anyone that is willing to play their assigned game at that time in Arizona deserves high praise.

That was until the same kid was talking over the coach telling their teammates to play their own positions. Yeah. Real strategist.

So, I restrain myself, keep calm and more importantly, keep quiet. Giving the kid two thumbs up as they return to the field only to play another quarter unconstrained by the conventions of the game. Running like there was a magnet in the ball, my kid stole it from other teammates and ran about 45 miles in the first quarter rarely gracing their own position.

At the half, hubby has a death grip on my arm reminding me to stay quiet, stay supportive. Reminding me to hydrate the kid silently - which I do.

Thankfully, the slaughter, I mean the game, ends and we get to pack up our belongings and return home.

So imagine my joy when during Unnamed Child #2's game I see them with their back to the ball talking to players on the other team. AAAUUUGGGGHHHH. Help me out here. Is this for their enjoyment or mine?

My kid is wandering the field with their hand out in front of them in a fist - like they've caught a bug. Talking to the other team and showing them the contents of the fist. With the ball in play, in the middle of the game.

I have bitten through my tongue at this point and just look at the ground as I overhear other parents saying "Who is that number 56?" "What are they doing?" I mutter "I think it's Pat. Isn't that kids' name Pat?"

Now the kid is talking to the ref, who nods and returns to the game, actively in progress. Still holding the fist out the kid is yammering up a storm. What the heck??? About 30 seconds go by and the ref blows the whistle, stopping play and grabbing my kid.

Can you get 'carded' for unauthorized bug capture?

The ref has the kid by the neck and is ushering them off the field toward the coach. Oh man. I don't know whether to meet the kid or run away. Poor Pat, who knows where the mother is?

Loudly, the ref yells out "Tooth got knocked out." All the mothers around me gasp, looking side to side for Pat's parent. Oh brother. Clearly I'm going to be up for Mother of the Year again. As I'm jogging out to Pat I holler "loose tooth or permanent tooth?" This will make a difference in my reaction. If it's a permanent tooth I will grab the kid in the firefighter carry and whisk them to the closest emergency dentist. Sad thing is if it was a loose tooth, I should have known about it. I'm pretty sure this kid doesn't have any loose teeth. They just got their braces on and I think that would have impacted the process. My brain starts to panic as I reach Pat who deposits their "really-loose-tooth-that-I-have-told-you-about-every-day-for-the-last-month-Mooom" in my outstretched hands.

As I turn back, with my new cargo, to the other waiting mothers, one of them starts to laugh uncontrollably. Another says sympathetically "At least it wasn't permanent."

Well, the tooth wasn't.