Aselin

The Food Network has been one of the greatest additions to my life. My family only recently purchased cable. While most of the channels that we are paying for are complete crap, the Food Network has opened up culinary horizons hitherto unavailable to me. I’ve learned how to make all kinds of unique offerings, most of which my family has willingly eaten.

I have fantasies that I will have my own show one day. It will be titled something catchy like “The Quinoa Queen.”

While folding laundry today I’m watching this show called “Deep Fried Paradise.” I love fried food as much as the next guy, I mean, really you can fry anything and it tastes good. Okra, opossum, flip flops. But I rarely eat fried food, because like most of people, I also possess the knowledge that it will kill you.

The format of “Deep Fried Paradise” is they show you how the item is made, interview the ‘chef’ or creator, and then interview some of the loyal patrons. Traditional marketing strategies dictate that you advertise using people who the general public would like to be like. It has tricked millions into trying tobacco, soda, electronics, beer and the Snuggie.

The first fryer offering they were sharing came, of course, from the south. Chicken fried bacon. Yes, you read that right. I’m going out on a limb here, but when ALL of the patrons in your establishment are over 400 pounds there aren’t too many people who say “I wanna eat chicken fried bacon so I can look like him.”

They spoke to “Bubba’ (not kidding), the self-proclaimed biggest fan (pun intended) of chicken fried bacon, and trust me, most people wouldn’t want to sound like him either. He actually said he considered the flour in the batter his vegetable serving for the day. And, as he masticated another chunk, through his full mouth he proclaimed it was a “heart attack waiting to happen.”

I know some people who have had heart attacks. They universally say it wasn’t any fun. Someone should tell Bubba.

The second offering was deep fried dill pickle slices. For this cuisine they interviewed the mayor of the town where they supposedly were created. It’s a sad day in mayor town when the most exciting thing you have to talk about was the creation of Deep Fried Pickles in your town 75 years ago. At this point I’m screaming at the television “DO SOMETHING!” I know our love of the fryer is quintessentially American, but please don’t let the idea to bread and fry something be the pinnacle of your civic success.

The final item on the fryer menu still makes my stomach turn. Of course, who wouldn’t think of deep frying a hamburger patty. On the surface this seems rather innocuous, there are a whole bunch of deep fried sandwiches out there. But a trip to the kitchen reveals that they’re frying todays burgers in the SAME oil they started with 90 years ago. After 90 years of repetitive heating and cooling, doesn’t the oil turn into a lethal carcinogen? The next shot of the simmering meat cakes makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

Recent studies don’t bode well for the American physique. I’m disappointed that my beloved Food Network is promoting this lifestyle, but concede that too many of us are not that concerned about what we eat. As I finish folding my last pair of boxer briefs, I realize - I’m not tuned on to the Food Network at all - it’s the travel channel. This realization brings me great relief, and confidence that I won’t be planning my next vacation to “Deep Fried Paradise”