Aselin

While I was traveling this summer hubby stayed behind in order to support my lavish lifestyle. It's grueling work but it must be done. The thing I didn't quite take into account is how deeply he relies on me for rather mundane tasks. I also was completely unaware what can happen when he's left alone for long periods of time.

I did make plans for my dog, who throws temper tantrums when left alone too long. The dog usually eats butter and any homemade baked goods he can pull off the counter. He does not however, eat store bought baked goods but shreds the packaging and the contents all over the carpet as a statement of protest. Upon my return he won't make eye contact and does everything he can to avoid the scene of the crime. I think my dog is pretty smart.

On the other hand, when I returned home from my long absence hubby did not display any of the same street smarts. Kinda makes a girl eyeball the man then the dog and wonder a few things.

For instance, hubby is an incredibly hard worker. A fantastic quality I enjoy watching. He spends hours in the yard mowing, pruning, repairing, raking, leaf blowing - irregardless of the temperature. For a variety of reasons - some legitimate, some not - I avoid high heat yardwork like the plague. Each weekend he can expect a supportive wave from me through a window as I sip my lemonade in air conditioned splendor. He's so fortunate to be married to me.

So I return home to a slightly disheveled house, which is fine. (Remember, he supported my lavish travels hither and yon.) As I'm picking up the family room I spot a hat behind the couch. I pick up the hat and have a surreal moment. It's a women's hat. I'm no dummy. Immediately I know I've been replaced by a high-temperature yard-working woman he found while I was lounging on a beach. Sad thing is, I can't blame him. I'd have replaced me long ago.

Lifting the hat I say accusingly, "What is THIS??" He says straightfacedly - "It's my hat."

Now this exchange has gone on countless unfortunate times in eons of marriages. "Who's lace thong is this?" "Um, mine?" "Who's bra is this?" "Um, It's not yours?" "Who's lipstick is on your collar?" "Um, it must be my grandmas."

I'm no dummy, I'm not falling for these shenanigans. "Hubby", I say, "This is a woman's hat"
Unfazed he replies, "Well, I bought it in the Men's section at WalMart (the kicker...) "while you were gone."

Now, we know, he does have a polyester red jumpsuit he wears at work. He's got the sandals and black socks look mastered. There's the collection of too large pants that gather at his waist because he's been working out like a madman but won't buy new pants. He's got floods, a deerskin coat from high school, fanny packs, speedos... I am under no delusions the man is a fashion plate but really, I leave town and he runs to WalMart to purchase a woman's hat?

I bury my face in my hands, waiting for the rest.

"Yeah, I love the wide brim and the air flow through the macrame weave. I've been wearing it every day for weeks. People honk when they drive by."

I bet they do...

Yep, there it is. My job is to keep his fashion disasters within certain parameters. Clearly I can not leave him or the dog alone anymore. Still, there's hope for the dog - at least he shows some shame.

Dang, where'd he hide that hat?